Exhale

Ruminations

For a while, I believed 'being humble' meant underplaying any personal triumphs or qualities. Proper humility was best gauged by how insistently I self-deprecated and proclaimed 'it was nothing.' To demonstrate an appropriately modest countenance, nothing but a complete disavowal of my attributes would do.

Perhaps it was the culture I grew up in, with its emphasis on polite modesty. Perhaps it was because I was brought up a girl, encouraged to be demure and to desire nothing more. Or perhaps it was because I was taught my talents were not truly mine, but a gift from a merciful Creator. In any case, I learnt it was never about 'me'; I was wretched, weak and inexperienced, only able to become something more because of the grace, love and goodwill of an entity greater than myself - God because he simply was Almighty and benevolent. My parents for sending me to a good school and giving me opportunities. My team because it was after all, a 'team effort.' A boyfriend who, 'in spite of my many shortcomings,' deigned to give me his love. Luck, for ushering in fortuitous circumstances beyond my control. I would grope around for more and more people to invite onstage to bask in the limelight until I nearly dislodged myself from the picture altogether.

There is of course nothing wrong with acknowledging those who have contributed to your success or happiness. I firmly believe that we should recognize those who have helped make us something better.

That said, I have become wary of 'humility' which perpetuates and cleverly masks self-loathing, insecurity and feelings of unworthiness. When someone begins a sentence saying 'I'm actually not that smart...' or 'I don't deserve someone as good as him.' I wonder if they are simply being polite because they feel this is expected of them? Do they continue to harbour a quiet confidence within, knowing what is true in spite of their words? Or, do they actually mean what they say? And if not now, will they eventually become convinced of their own ineptness if they repeat it often enough?

I have heard several people utter things along those lines recently. It troubled me but I was uncertain of how to respond then. After some reflection, this is what I think now in the most blunt terms. You should not underestimate yourself. Do not go through life constantly feeling you are inadequate and need others to affirm you...because then you entrust your happiness with people as fickle and inconstant as all people tend to be.

Do not automatically assume you are misguided and that someone else is right simply because he speaks convincingly and behaves like nothing is wrong.

Listen to yourself.

And if you have been hurt, say so unhesistantly and loudly. Do not remain silent and accommodate excessively. Never say you don't mind or that you don't care when you do. You are not being considerate; you are saying your feelings don't matter and your voice doesn't count.

Don't drop everything and sit around waiting for him to call.

Never let him tell you your feelings and your love are not worth as much. If he selfishly with-holds concern - Leave. Don't come back till he gives you what you deserve willingly.

Reward yourself once in a while.

Take ownership of your life. Don't be afraid to walk alone sometimes.

Respect yourself. Carry yourself with dignity and pride - you have a right to.


Because above all, you must recognize your worth.

posted by Jeanne @ 7:40 PM