Lindsay Morgan Lohan!I don't really understand this girl. At all.
Don't get me wrong. I adored her in Mean Girls and Freaky Friday. She was strangely likeable in Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. And positively sweet in The Parent Trap. And she's not half bad an actress for her young young age.
I defended her even after all those reports of perennial partying and cavorting with dubious company. I sympathized with her when she got hospitalized for "work exhaustion" despite the catty remarks which said otherwise. I stayed calm when she emerged from said hospitalization looking all creepy and skeletal and anorexic. I overlooked her bizzare foray into music and the dastardly effort that was 'Rumours'. I applauded her for coming out with her Bulimia problem and various Daddy issues earlier this year. I saluted how healthy and glowing and fabulous she looked 2 months ago on the cover of Vanity Fair. I supported her attempts to become, you know, a 'serious' ac-tor or thespian or whatever it is she's trying to remould herself into now. I was even willing to forgive her for wearing the above outfit to the Kid's Choice Awards, which someone called a mess of 'unbleached organic paper towels', and for later flashing 10 million american kids when she went up to receive her award. Because, you know, I'm sure it must've been an accident or some mistake (the flashing and the outfit).
And then she transmogrified into some crazy lunatic. My patience is wearing thin!
Lindsay? Why do you insist on making it your life mission to launch multiple jihads against all female celebrities in Hollywood under the age 30? Do you find perverse pleasure stomping on people's toes and ripping them into shreds? I don't know any other starlet with as many feuds as you have. I mean it was pretty interesting in the beginning to read stuff about you and Hillary Duff but now its really getting tiresome and quite worrying. Are you ok? Do you need help? A friend, perhaps? Prozac? Yoga? A straitjacket?
Let's see. There was that little thing between you and the Duff sisters...then Jessica and Ashlee Simpson. Tara Reid (who, I might add, was your former friend and party-mate until you famoulsy claimed you were not some 'crazy Tara Reid-esque party girl"). Kirsten Dunst. Scarlet Johansson. Then Pink went out and dissed you in her 'Stupid Girls' video. And now apparently you've come between Paris and her ex boyfriend. And then I read that you made Jessica cry in an LA bar after she forgot to thank you for buying her drinks. Girl.
What happened? Are you really that hung up over Aaron Carter? Do visions of Wilmer Valderamamma or whatever his name is still haunt you when you're in yet another drunken stupor? Must you hit on Nick Lachey after his divorce? Can you not let go of ex boyfriends? Are you still channelling the spirit of the Plastics? Perhaps you're preparing for a role in a Means Girls sequel? Is the peroxide/hair dye getting to you?
I also think it's telling that the only co-workers you seem to have some semblance of a healthy relationship with are all at least twice your age. Meryl Streep? Virginia Madsen? Brett Ratner? (who may or may not still be a "friend" after you went psychotic finding him in bed with his fiance - oops!) Louis Vuitton???
Lindsay! You're 19 years old! I know you're trying to be a serious thespian or whatever but can't you get some nice, sensible and decent friends your age? Friends who don't have a permanent column dedicated to them in Star, Us Weekly or OK magazine next to the main article of the ongoing sensationalist Jessica-Nick divorce saga? And not ''mentors'' and substitute parents who feel compelled by some maternally instinct to keep defending your bizzare wild schizophrenic side to the media? How about, say, Natalie Portman? She seems well adjusted. She is functionally literate. She's fairly articulate and smart. Or may I suggest Rachel McAdams? Remember? That other talented actress in Mean Girls who fortunately did not remain in character after the production? And can I trust, that after forging a friendship with her, you will not steal her boyfriend and then launch another holy war on poor Rachel? Lindsay? Can I trust you??
No I guess I can't.
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