Exhale

To the Absent (physically, metaphorically ...)

1. Dear Sarah, Steph and Gwen - it's been great to hear from all of you this week. :) People always say that there's nothing better than face-to-face conversation but I think that gives it far too much credit. In times like these when we're diffused spatially and even temporally, "face-to-face" conversation is not just the luxury we can't afford but a remote [im]possibility in and of itself. So while I wait for those select times in the year when you all return - and even then, Sarah you'll be separated by a causeway and Steph...traversing between Jakarta/ Japan/ Hong Kong/ London perhaps? - and we find our schedules all miraculously intersect, I very gladly welcome those emails sent off from different corners of the world :)

Haha strangely enough when I read through your individual emails, I can somehow hear you guys in my head - Sarah, that calm, measured voice which holds even when you're bemoaning your thesis and/or contemplating engagement parties; Steph, that ever-present chirpiness when you excitedly rattle off about the Swiss Alps and then wax lyrical about the Ballet; Gwen, that conspiratorial tone when you gossip about some random hot guy in your tutorial before ruminating about your proposed life of celibacy. Haha hilarious.


So, Sarah - once again GOOD LUCK and I hope your thesis proposal gets approved. What is it about anyway??


Steph - are you enjoying Prague??? You lucky lucky girl. Soak in as much fun before you start work :(:(


And PEA - where are you? I know NTU is in a galaxy of its own but you're missing from cyberspace as well it seems :(


Gwen - I don't really know why I'm even emailing you because technically you are like. In Singapore. In NUS. In FASS. And whatever I've just said about face-to-face conversation, I should be engaging in it with you the most given your proximity. Lunch sometime? After our monster essays are out of the way. And yes you will become the hottest and most desirable nun ever if you do decide to be celibate.

2. Dear Jaesson, you've been away for about 3 months now. Somehow, January, February and March seem to have gone by pretty fast which is not good for me in terms of how close my exams are, but in other ways great because I'll be seeing you soon! But before I congratulate myself for being so patient, I have to remember that you're actually going to remain in UCLA for yet another 3 months, and the wait is only halfway through! @_@ Time is so annoyingly relative depending on where you stand.

Anyway, thanks for calling so regularly. It makes your absence less stark and I get the strange feeling sometimes that you aren't actually very far away...mostly because I still keep hearing your voice - as Ruhan will attest to. And I guess both our nocturnal sleep habits (yours more so than mine) do have some benefit as it renders the 16-hour time difference less of a difference. And yes, I know I should stop being lazy and go get a new calling card :P

So I'll be meeting you sometime in May when I fly over. I obviously haven't seen you in a while except for those random, pixellated moments over skype. You don't post up many pictures of yourself online. I wonder how you look like now? How's the goatee (if you're still going through with that?) Have you, like Brandon says, put on the pounds like a good exchange student? How have those killer hamburgers acquainted themselves with your waistline? Haha.

You know, after listening to your voice (which generally doesn't vary) everyday and having made myself almost believe that you're not on another continent, I think I've come to assume that things aren't all that different; and that you have and will remain exactly the same way you were when I sent you off months ago. I guess that doesn't seem very plausible now that I've spelt it out for myself. Nevertheless even knowing this, I can't help but wonder if I'll feel any kind of disjunct if I see you've actually changed. Haha oh well it was an interesting thought.

3. To my two little shadows. Well you've both left the country. It's funny how those so close to us can become strangers overnight. I wouldn't say that I find such a situation "sad" because that's a bit of a trite thing to say. It also misleadingly glosses over my own complicity in distancing the both of you from myself - intentionally so at points. After all, the distance wasn't exactly 'sad' or 'regretful' all the time. In some cases, I should frankly admit it was necessary, and the respite even welcome.

So being at quite a loss as to how to define this state of affairs, I will not bother to at the moment. Suffice to say, it is not sad, it is not unfortunate. It is perhaps somewhat regretful that things turned out this way but then again, I suppose it was also inevitable.

When a friend leaves for an extended period of time, it is usually an event met with tearful goodbyes, nostalgic reminiscing, hugs, farewell gifts and other such trinkets to mark the occasion of departure. I have felt sadness at such occasions, standing at the departure lounge. But is it not sadder when the imminent absence of a friend (if I may still call you that) makes no difference whatsoever when they've already been fundamentally dead to you?

Now what should I make of that?

posted by Jeanne @ 4:42 AM

Ruminations

For a while, I believed 'being humble' meant underplaying any personal triumphs or qualities. Proper humility was best gauged by how insistently I self-deprecated and proclaimed 'it was nothing.' To demonstrate an appropriately modest countenance, nothing but a complete disavowal of my attributes would do.

Perhaps it was the culture I grew up in, with its emphasis on polite modesty. Perhaps it was because I was brought up a girl, encouraged to be demure and to desire nothing more. Or perhaps it was because I was taught my talents were not truly mine, but a gift from a merciful Creator. In any case, I learnt it was never about 'me'; I was wretched, weak and inexperienced, only able to become something more because of the grace, love and goodwill of an entity greater than myself - God because he simply was Almighty and benevolent. My parents for sending me to a good school and giving me opportunities. My team because it was after all, a 'team effort.' A boyfriend who, 'in spite of my many shortcomings,' deigned to give me his love. Luck, for ushering in fortuitous circumstances beyond my control. I would grope around for more and more people to invite onstage to bask in the limelight until I nearly dislodged myself from the picture altogether.

There is of course nothing wrong with acknowledging those who have contributed to your success or happiness. I firmly believe that we should recognize those who have helped make us something better.

That said, I have become wary of 'humility' which perpetuates and cleverly masks self-loathing, insecurity and feelings of unworthiness. When someone begins a sentence saying 'I'm actually not that smart...' or 'I don't deserve someone as good as him.' I wonder if they are simply being polite because they feel this is expected of them? Do they continue to harbour a quiet confidence within, knowing what is true in spite of their words? Or, do they actually mean what they say? And if not now, will they eventually become convinced of their own ineptness if they repeat it often enough?

I have heard several people utter things along those lines recently. It troubled me but I was uncertain of how to respond then. After some reflection, this is what I think now in the most blunt terms. You should not underestimate yourself. Do not go through life constantly feeling you are inadequate and need others to affirm you...because then you entrust your happiness with people as fickle and inconstant as all people tend to be.

Do not automatically assume you are misguided and that someone else is right simply because he speaks convincingly and behaves like nothing is wrong.

Listen to yourself.

And if you have been hurt, say so unhesistantly and loudly. Do not remain silent and accommodate excessively. Never say you don't mind or that you don't care when you do. You are not being considerate; you are saying your feelings don't matter and your voice doesn't count.

Don't drop everything and sit around waiting for him to call.

Never let him tell you your feelings and your love are not worth as much. If he selfishly with-holds concern - Leave. Don't come back till he gives you what you deserve willingly.

Reward yourself once in a while.

Take ownership of your life. Don't be afraid to walk alone sometimes.

Respect yourself. Carry yourself with dignity and pride - you have a right to.


Because above all, you must recognize your worth.

posted by Jeanne @ 7:40 PM

I am under duress to blog.

But I still love my MOOFIKINS, JAESSON.

posted by Jeanne @ 2:08 AM

After a disastrous mid-term exam, my Chinese history prof commented on the online forum that he was 'heartbroken' that so many of us couldn't tell apart the Yellow river from the Yangtze river.

I suspect I still can't.

Onto other news: my DEAR Life science professor is offering TWO OPTIONS for a make-up tutorial: embarassment and public humiliation. WOULD YOU dress up in costume at a PUBLIC event as any of the following?

a. The Giant Squid
b. Sasquach (Big Foot)
c. Gigantopithecus

Jaesson has offered to lend me his size 10 fuzzy bear slippers if I go as b.

Sigh. I hate how this semester is shaping up.

posted by Jeanne @ 1:41 AM

Hands off Murali! The one on the right is MINE! Muahahahaha.

(hey don't say you didn't ask for it :P)

posted by Jeanne @ 3:03 AM

This has been a strange and faintly ridiculous weekend. Suffice to say that I'm not sure what the hell I've been doing and I really need to think a bit more sometimes. Or maybe a bit less. Both can lead to problematic and sticky situations.



But oh well. I'll post up random happy pictures because I'm trying to reclaim my Zen spot and because I'm bored.



-roar!-

posted by Jeanne @ 4:02 PM

"Holy Mother of Pearl!" - incoherent ranting around the bend.

Haha Jah, I'm using your pet phrase because

i) I miss you. *snuggles*

ii) I thought this was appalling enough to warrant such an interjection:

Posts on the maidlibrary.com.sg forum:

"making a servant stand in corner or outside seems very appropriate to me and is good for teaching them their place in life"

"A disobedient maid should be made to stand in the corner with her hands on her head and then given extra work to do to make up the time she has wasted while being punished."

"Maids need to learn their place or they think they can usurp the place of their employers. Can anyone suggest better ways of helping the maid remain humble while the employer gives them more responsibilities so that the maid can ease the employer's burden? My philosophy is that knowing one's place is all ingrained in culture and personality. Chinese are people who can know their place - it's just our culture. So my solution would be to get a maid from a hierachical culture. Myanmar maids? Indonesians are also very respectful people. The Filipinos have the least sense of rank and file."

"I won't let my maid stand while we eat... Thinking she need strength to help us do work."

Whilst J. K. Rowling has been seriously going downhill after book 5, something I actually took away from Harry Potter (yar seriously. don't laugh.) is the idea that you can best gauge a person's character not from how he treats his peers but rather his subordinates.

(They were talking about house elves of all things)

And it's really true when I think of it. Digressing just a bit from maids, I think I've blogged before about how 'nice' is a personality trait applied rather indiscriminately. More often than not, we base it on how the person we're describing treats ourselves or his/her peers. But really, that can be quite a meaningless measure given how none of our relationships are without some tinge of self interest. Take friendship which is so celebrated with promises of timelessness, selflessness and cutesy Hallmark cards. But 'friends' are never made out of purely altruistic reasons. Crudely put, they are often stumbled upon incidentally and sometimes without much discernment as we collect faces for popularity, status, friendster, that self-gratifying warm-an'-fuzzy-feeling and token lunch companions.

Friends, lovers, family, colleagues ...to varying extents such relations are one-part contractual and enmeshed within a system of mutual exchange and benefit. So yes, it's no shocker that so-and-so's "nice" to his friends or girlfriend, given his vested interest in treating them well.

And that's why someone's only truly nice when they accord those who can offer them far less or even nothing the same amount of consideration and decency. In short, behaving toward people who are completely inconsequential to your life materially or otherwise as you would your 'peers'. For that reason I really respect people who treat maids, migrant workers, waiters, janitors, disabled/elderly tissue-paper sellers, stray animals, random strangers on the street etc with kindness. Yes Sirius Black, Prisoner of Azkaban you were right: it's moments like these when you really see a person for who he/she is. I'm reminded of families in Church who initially seem all appropriately Christian and good to their fellow 'brothers' and 'sisters'...but then you suddenly realize how they completely ignore their maid and make her sit like two seats away from them in the pews.

And by treating subordinates with kindness I don't mean condescension like say, those Singaporean families who loudly declare that they bring their maids on holiday with them. And then they instruct their maids to be 'grateful', acting as if they've donated their liver to her or something. Please. You brought her there to carry your luggage and look after your kids so you can vacation in peace. That does not entitle you any bragging rights and you have nothing to be so smug about. Boo hoo to you.

But please excuse the ranting above. It's slightly tangential to the real ranting I want to do in relation to the subject at hand. So back to this maid forum...I think its utterly disgusting what some of these people say. For a minute I wondered if some of the posts were meant to be a really bad joke.

I am particularly annoyed by the user who nattered on about how maids need to have 'some sense of rank and file' and 'know their place'. Pray tell, what "place" would that be 'Unregistered Poster 30 Nov 2004'? And by extension, what place do you see fit to accord your pompous self? I don't think the ability to pay your domestic help a subsistence wage while getting away with it due to inadequate legal protection for maids in Singapore places you much higher on the food chain...or the so-called 'hierarchy' you speak of whatever that's supposed to mean. And if you think your maid exists for your moral and social edification, that's both laughable and pathetic.

And I resent your oversimplified, culturally deterministic comments! But I'll save this for another rant fest.

There are people who very rightly remind us that 'maids are human too'. However, I think its a sad state of affairs when we need persistent reminders of their humanity. Is it somehow puzzling to accept that they are carbon based too? Are our best minds cracking their brains over why maids require more sustenance than instant noodles and leftovers? Are employers performing some wack scientific experiment when they make their maids clean windows on the 19th floor just to see if they actually can die like 'normal' human beings? Or did they hypothesize that the laws of gravity somehow do not apply to these strange, anomalous foreign articles? Really. If you will spill blood for clean, fingerprint-less kitchen windows you are beyond uptight.

I also take offence when maids are refered to as 'servants'. To me, that term really dehumanizes and gives license to abuse and oppression, not to mention masturbates the already swollen egos of Singaporean employers. They actually start to believe they are inherently superior to their hired help who, by the way, should know 'their place in life'. So much so that some see fit to make their maids stand 'in a corner facing the wall' (reported by "ChopChop") so they are not disturbed during meals and they can eat their dinner in tranquil settings or something.

I never really understood why some people have such hangups about dining arrangements with regards their maids. Your dining table is not an altar. Your melamine dishes are not sacred. Your food is not the holy host. You probably watch TV/sms/read/zone out during 'family dinners'. So get over yourselves. If your maid is good enough to cook your food, set the table, feed your children, clean up your dishes and shit then I don't see why she can't partake of the same meal at the same table.

I was hoping to conclude this post nicely but I'm too sleepy to think of a snappy ending. But to all those who share in the same spirit as Unregister Poster 30 Nov 2004, I just thought it fit to let you know that you're really nothing special. So don't act out your mistaken grandeur on those who lack the power and legal means to refute you.

And keep fighting for the rights of migrant workers in Singapore!

posted by Jeanne @ 12:28 AM

YOU WANT FREE ICE CREAM??
(even though it rubs against your conscience)

Quote of the day:

*at Island Cremery*

Jeanne: 2 Pulut Hitam and 1 Soursop icecream...and ...a baked Alaska please!

Staff: Ok...will that be all? $11.50 please.

Jeanne: *hands over card*

Staff: Oh I'm sorry, we only accept cash!

Jeanne: Oh...I don't have cash on hand.

Staff: *shrugs* Oh that's alright. You can pay tomorrow.

Jeanne: *thinks I've heard wrongly* ...What?

Staff: You can pay tomorrow.

Jeanne: *flabbergasted* Pay tomorrow?? Erh...and how would that work out?

Staff: *completely nonchalant* You can come back tomorrow and pay.



I don't know about you but my jaw completely dropped when I heard this whole 'buy-now-pay-tomorrow' business. And that's saying something. My dad often bemoans my sad lack of sense when it comes to matters of money and business ('you have no killer instinct Jeanne!') and I am frequently pulverized at Monopoly by my brother's shark-ish tendencies...but at least I know that one basic rule of profit making is that you get some guarantee of payment!

This can mean 2 things: Island Cremery either places too much good faith in the integrity of their customers or....they place too much good faith in the integrity of their customers.

Junwen suggests that it might be a way to secure customer loyalty. I'm not sure. I don't feel particularly grateful toward Island Cremery's innovative payment scheme, but I do feel amazed enough to blog about it.

But anyway icecream was good! The staff were friendly! So I'm not complaining. :) And if you do decide to pay tomorrow and not show up you are CHEAP. *Evil laugh*

posted by Jeanne @ 1:32 AM

Random Thought Bubble

For me, the worst part about being around people who bring you down is that after a while you actually start to believe the things they say about you. True or not, the limitations they ascribe ultimately become yours. Invisible boundaries which you accept and make your own.

And you start to think that maybe these walls were inherent; that they were always there but you just never noticed till now.

Now that they've been pointed out to you repeatedly, they suddenly become some sort of insurmountable barrier you're forced to acknowledge. Perhaps reluctantly at first, even with some resistance. But eventually you'll get used to people alerting you to it. You won't even need confirmation of its existence anymore. In fact you'll start voluntarily pointing it out to people fossilizing it further because now the imaginary wall has the endorsement of its owner.

And you won't fight that good ol' wall anymore - you'll smile, throw your hands up behind your head and lean back against it. You'll accept it as a fact of life. Some unchangeable aspect about you. No longer a liability, it becomes a crutch. An expedient excuse you can always fall back on without fail; for your complacency, your failures, your cowardice.

And maybe you'll never dare breach that wall.

It's so much easier not to anyway because such boundaries conveniently circumscribe what you can and cannot do. They define and neatly encase your person. They keep you out of potentially difficult, unfamiliar situations whilst letting you remain in your own little comfortable space. And you'll never know how easily those walls could succumb and crumble if you should so choose to chip away at them slowly and bravely. Of course you never did.


At a young age someone defined how far I could go and what I could not do. At a young age someone discouraged me from going any further reassuring me that I was perfectly fine remaining where I was because all people have their 'strengths' and 'weaknesses'. Some are 'naturally' (that word is extremely dangerous because it justifies things as needing no further justification) more talented in certain things than other. After much affirmation from that someone, I believed what s/he said. From then on I didn't even try. I gave up on those projects which I had no possible chance of doing well in abetted by that same person.

(Till today I still dismiss them almost instinctively)

I came up with totalizing, permanent labels for myself like 'mediocre' or 'poor' in those areas I was not too good at. Whether a temporal setback or not, every less-than-perfect incident/result simply served to seal my already incipient reputation as a 'natural' born-failure in ____. (yes that word is dangerous)

At some points these things - these little black spots - disappeared completely. Perhaps they were deemed irrelevant to my life or I simply stopped thinking about them as much as before. Or most likely I just got used to dismissing them that they simply became an unthinkable option. I could just focus on whatever it was I was considered 'good' at from now on.

Then one day I decided to try my hand at one of those areas I thought I had absolutely no inclination toward.

And to my horror I realized I was good.

And I realized I could have been even better if I'd followed through with it ages ago. Days, months, years ago. I thought of all the different permutations my life could have
conformed to had I actually carried on with it.

But then I realized it was my own fault as well. To blame him/her alone would be yet another way to avoid admitting my complicity. It would be a means to absolve and distance myself from my own disappointing track record. Another wall to lean upon.

Because truly I had a vested interest in believing every one of those things s/he had said about me. Shortcomings in a person are never completely negative but are loopholes to be exploited to great effect.

Regardless, it was a sobering moment when I realized that perhaps I was different from the person I had always confidently described to my friends/people around me. Perhaps I had never really known Jeanne all too well. Perhaps my entire life will be one of constant and unceasing 'self-discovery.' Of knocking down more myths and half-truths about myself and 'charting new limits.' I'm sorry about using such corporate sounding cliches. But then again, cliches are cliches only when they are hollow and uttered without much sincerity. When they actually start to make sense - years after you first rolled your eyes at them - there can perhaps be no better expression which springs to mind first. And 'self-discovery' is one platitude I never really got till years later.

But returning to the subject at hand, there is something I'll never quite know which is the most troubling of all. All I am sure of is my perpetual ignorance; that at the back of my mind I will always wonder irresistably about the person I might have been if I had tried a little harder once upon a time. If I had been a little more brave. If I had not listened so much. If I had suspended my (unquestioning) belief.

posted by Jeanne @ 1:38 AM

I have a fringe!

I haven't had one since primary school. I had forgotten the sensation of having hair against my forehead.

From some angles I think I look quite odd. Sigh. I need to grow into my new hair.

posted by Jeanne @ 12:55 AM